


A Ballad of Love & Hate

by Ms_Blue17



Series: Sakukomo Week 2020 [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Boys Kissing, Fluff, M/M, They are so in love, he misses komori, missing and longing, sakusa feels alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:55:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27640327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ms_Blue17/pseuds/Ms_Blue17
Summary: Komori goes on vacation, Sakusa misses him.Their love is so obvious that they don't realize.
Relationships: Komori Motoya/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: Sakukomo Week 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016502
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	A Ballad of Love & Hate

**Author's Note:**

> Sakukomo Week | Day 5 - missing & longing 
> 
> This was in reality the first sakukomo fic that I wrote for this week (and the longest one ´til now).  
> I got inspiration from one of my favorite songs (and title of this entry) "Ballad of Love and Hate" by The Avett Brothers. I love this song and I think it kinds of describe sakukomo pretty well.
> 
> Also, I wasn't expecting anybody to read this, sorry for the mistakes and the confusion.  
> Thank you to those guests that have left some kudos, and this account that seems like it has read the whole serie.
> 
> I hope you find the time to read this one too, and I hope you enjoy it.

**July 28th**

It was a hot and humid summer day at the end of July; Tokyo, of course, felt like a greenhouse wherever you went or stayed. Going outside to public places in summer break was out of the question for Kiyoomi. He hated crowds, and crowds where the usual on vacation.

Tired of the hot weather, and just for killing some time, Kiyoomi found himself reading a book on his bed, or at least he was trying to. Suddenly, his phone quietly buzzed against the small nightstand next to the bed. Kiyoomi gave a quick gaze to it, the screen lighted up with a message and the name of its remitter. Kiyoomi’s heart stopped for a moment, briefly skipping a second, followed by a frown on his forehead making his eyebrows go closer.

He reached the phone and read the message with more urge than he would like to admit.

**_From: Komori Motoya_**

_How’s everything going there? Haven’t hear from you lately, huh?  
Anywyas, my vacations are soon ending. Coming home little bit late, tho.  
Weather is fine over here; the ocean is great too!  
Can’t wait to see you again, Kiyoomi-kun! C*v*)/_

Kiyoomi kept staring at the phone for a few seconds before throwing it away without even giving an answer. A blend of feelings dancing on his stomach, making him feel upset. He knew he was being childish, and not being able to go against it bothering him the most. However, the words _“can’t wait to see you again”_ sticked on his mind like glue, and the pressure on his chest completely unavoidable made his heart skip another beat. But Kiyoomi could be full of pride and stubbornness, two emotions that didn’t let him see beyond, see clearly.

“Who cares when are you coming back, anyways, Mr. Happiness.” Thought Kiyoomi to himself with a bitter smile forming on his lips. “I barely noticed you were away, to be honest”. 

He was lying, of course. He was quite conscious about Komori’s absence, who had gone on vacation two weeks ago. He’d been ignoring his messages since summer break started. No, he’d been ignoring him even before it. 

*

Sakusa Kiyoomi had never really enjoyed any vacation that much. Specially the summer ones. Weather was annoying and public places too crowded with people. There were not many options left for him to enjoy. 

Ever since he was a child it had been like this. His parents were never home and their older siblings too busy with their studies and trying to get into a good university. He didn’t mind it too much. He convinced himself he was perfectly fine by his own. He repeated this so many times inside his mind that he ended up believing it at age of 7. He was a smart child, and he developed a defensive tendency to start things up and go through them non-stop until they were completely done. Very deep inside his heart, he was probably trying to stay busy too. To fill the empty space the lack of attention left. But at age of 7, how would it be possible for a child to know this? He just did what felt better at the time. He became less social (even less than his natured personality). He wasn’t eager at all to touch other people or being touched. They all seem dirty and messy. Most children of his age were like this; and soon he discovered he didn’t want that. He didn’t have any friends and didn’t want to. He found peace on being alone, reading a book or making a puzzle. However, routines can easily find their way to boresome, and suddenly, being alone in a house as empty as his soul was not the best option. Sometimes he just got bored with the flatness of being a loner.

But everything changed on a day Kiyoomi would never forget. 

A boy came into his life with a big smile and funny eyebrows. A relative he had never talked to before. One he didn’t even know existed. 

Like a tale where magic does happen to be, this boy seemed to paint every corner of Kiyoomi’s black and white world with his simple existence; somehow bringing all the colors into it. Life easily became brighter when he was around. It was like this tiny boy carried with him all the good things we know. A reason to live and a reason to grow. To trust, and to hope, and to care…

And without any realization, Kiyoomi found himself secretly liking every little second he spent with smiling boy.

At age of 8, Komori Motoya entered Sakusa Kiyoomi’s life. At age of 8, Kiyoomi experienced for the first-time what love was like. And it was the purest thing. So pure it would take them years to finally get it.

Summer break, vacations, holidays, and weekends changed. They were full of ideas of what to do. With the laughter of two boys who enjoyed life together. Komori seemed to understand Kiyoomi’s delicacy. He was cleaner and more organized than most boys, and always smelled like fresh flowers. Kiyoomi liked that too. But Komori’s nature was a social one, a touchable one. And without realizing it, more than once he invaded Kiyoomi’s personal space. At first it was annoying, and a little bit scary, but eventually it became just the normal stuff with Komori being around. And he was around almost all the time. They both became used to each other’s company. And started spending all summer breaks together.

It was because of this, that Komori’s news took him by surprise two weeks before school finished. 

It was on a hot afternoon after practice. They were changing and cleaning themselves on the locker rooms. The news came to him like a question whose answer they both already knew.

“Sakusa-kun” he called in a soft and tender voice. Sakusa wasn’t looking at him, and still he knew Komori was smiling when he called him by his family name. 

Sakusa raised an eyebrow, slightly looking at him, and Komori knew he was paying attention.

“Any plans for summer break?” Komori asked, eyebrows lifted a little bit curious. His wide smile still on his cute face…. How did he do it? How did he glow like that?

“Not really” Sakusa answered lazily, trying to hide his fascination in complete success. “You know I don’t like to go outside by then. Too crowded” he sentenced forming a frown.

_So, let’s spend this break together like every year since 3rd year._

“True” the fond voice agreed. “No chance for the beach, then.” It wasn’t a question. He paused and then added. “No, of course not”. And Sakusa thought his smiled dropped a little bit here, but just a little bit. Komori’s eyes now looking down the shoestrings he was tiding. 

Sakusa turned completely to face Komori now. Confused by his words and expecting more.

“What do you mean, Komori?” he dared to ask, hoping he didn’t sound too interested. Using the family name too. A thing they tended to do after graduating elementary school, especially in public.

“My parents decided to go on vacation this year. They both will have a bunch of days off, so, we are going to the beach like for 2 or 3 weeks…” he paused again, trying to find his next words. “So, I was thinking… Maybe you…

“Oh, you’re still here?” Izuna, captain of the team, had appeared out of nowhere. “Thought you guys were done here”. He said, a little bit surprised to find Sakusa’s uniform shirt half buttoned.

His attention had apparently gone all towards Komori’s question that at some point he had stopped buttoning it. He thanked all the gods above for being wearing his mask, so the pink on his cheek couldn’t been noticed by any of them. He finished unbuttoning his shirt like if nothing.

“Ahh Izuna san, we were just talking a little bit” Komori answered, his usual smile once again on his face. “What about you, captain? Are you heading home already?” 

“I am” he said returning the smile. “Oh, but first I need to stop by the mall. My mother needs some things. Actually, a little help from my juniors would be really helpful” he said temptingly.

“Oh Sure, count on me, captain.” Komori answered, always eager to help.

Sakusa on the other hand only made his usual frown. 

“I’ll pass”. He said on a whisper, cold eyes under the frown.

They didn’t talk about it after that afternoon. But Kiyoomi surely felt a pressure on his chest. A kind of disappointment at not being able to spend the summer break with Komori. Memories from his childhood rapidly came to his mind, and a strange feeling built up inside his body. Was it loneliness? Has he become dependent on Komori Motoya? These thoughts bothered him a lot. It was stupid and immature. He knew it, and yet, he couldn’t help it. So, to sweep them away, he immersed himself on lots of stuff. New books, household cleaning, new puzzles, and more. And due to this, he started avoiding Komori and ignoring his messages. 

*

**July 30th**  
Motoya woke up early that day. Becoming 18 felt just normal. Except for the fact that he was still on the beach with his family. If he had to be honest, summer break had been a great experience. He was 18 and in great shape. His family was wholesome and warm as always, the beach breeze felt amazingly well against his skin, he had got a tan that honestly looked cool on him and life couldn’t be better, right? Yeah, everything seemed to be on his place, everything was fine except for one small thing…. Well, more than a thing, a certain someone.

Sakusa Kiyoomi had been ignoring him the whole summer and that, my friends, was a fact.

But he wouldn’t give up, he wouldn’t lose against the piece of shit his cousin/best friend (or whatever) could be. 

So, even though he hadn’t got any answer from Kiyoomi, he didn’t stop sending him a message from time to time. Dignity? Pride? What were those? This had already become a game Motoya was willing to win, and for winning, sometimes you had to sacrifice some stuff, right?

Despite convincing himself this was the reason he kept on sending Kiyoomi messages, looking after him, he couldn’t find the strength to send him a message right now. Not today. 

Why was Kiyoomi acting like this all of a sudden? What an asshole. And just when he was about to inviting him to spend the summer break with them. It was his mother’s idea, but Motoya immediately found it brilliant. It had never crossed his mind until then. And he had been sulking like an idiot since his parents told him about the vacation trip to the beach. But not anymore. Yeah, Kiyoomi may not want to go anywhere, he didn’t like summer that much because of crowds and humidity and sweat. But Motoya could be helplessly stubborn, and very deep inside his heart, he knew Kiyoomi would accept if he asked in the correct way. He just had to find the right words to say, the magical spell to make his delicate prince to accept his invitation.

Yes, Komori Motoya would make Sakusa Kiyoomi to go on a trip with them, he wouldn’t rest ‘til then!

And he failed. He horribly failed. Geez, it had been lots easier on his mind, really. What a dumb he was. But just then, the right words didn’t come to his mouth as fast as he had wished, and the spell was broken even before he could pronounce the words… Ah Izuna-san. He loved his captain and respected him and admired him. No doubt of it. But today, well... He ruined it.

But he couldn’t just stay there and blame his captain. No. He was decided to try again, there was still some time left anyways. 

And Motoya tried, he really did. But Sakusa Kiyoomi, aka Gloomy Boy, was ignoring him and avoiding him. He even made sure not to be at his house most of the time every time Komori headed towards the Sakusa residence. 

And with practice, final terms before summer break, assignments, and luggage, the time was suddenly over. Motoya and his family went away, and Kiyoomi stayed.

It was already his birthday. He was happy, he got a cake from his parents, his favorite food, and a cool new pair of kneepads from his older sister, who had been back on town for a few days before they all came to the beach. But there was this small emptiness. Kiyoomi may be all bad and dark energy sometimes, but he was also a great guy. And ever since they met, Kiyoomi had made sure to say Happy Birthday to him. To give him small details as birthday presents. To be by his side, knowing how much Motoya loved birthdays and surprises. And Motoya knew, Kiyoomi too loved celebrating birthdays. And Motoya loved the slight smile that formed on Kiyoomi’s lips every time he surprised him with a birthday present and a cake every spring. It was cute. And every time, Kiyoomi politely said thank you and bowed a little bit. And this made Motoya go all wide smile with shiny eyes.

He sighed. The memory of their childhood days hitting hard on his chest. 

The clock in the apartment said 2:55PM. 

Motoya had been waiting, patient and kind, just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign from the one that he cared for, and who was out of his mind, apparently. 

He went outside too look at the sky, water looking bluer through his pretty eyes. Then he felt a hand on his right arm, fingers touching him fondly.

“What is it, little brother?” a happy but still worried voice said. “I heard you sigh, is everything okay? Birthday boy shouldn’t be this down, don’t you think?” she was the kind of observant person, and Motoya always admired that.

“Not sure. I’m happy, nee san. I really am!” he said, smiling as well. A Komori signature on that smile of him. “but yeah, maybe something is bothering me.” He admitted dropping his smile a little bit, looking back at the sky.

“Oh...” she let escape. “Does that something have a name?” she asked knowing the answer, because she knew, of course. After all, she was Motoya’s older sis. She saw him grow; she knew him well enough.

Motoya giggled, fascinated with her sister insight. “It does, indeed,” he admitted again. How many times was he going to admit things aloud today? “Kiyoomi-kun hasn’t talked to me in weeks. He hasn’t even said Happy Birthday” he kept smiling, but this time it wasn’t that bright smile of him. It was a sad one. That kind you give when you meet resignation. 

“Kiyoomi chan hasn’t talked to you in weeks!?” she exclaimed; wide eyes open in surprise. “Wasn’t he going to come with us? Did something happen between the two of you?” she inquired.

“Not really… well, I’m not sure. I didn’t do anything, nee san. I swear,” he replied fast, noticing the doubtful eyes on her sister’s face. “And I tried to tell him, but he doesn’t like crowds and my tongue got stuck, and my mind stopped, and I just couldn’t… Guess I got a little bit nervous… not sure why,” and this was something that he had just revealed to himself at this precise moment. 

He had been nervous right then, even though it had always been easy to talk to Kiyoomi. Asking things from him. 

“So, at the end you didn’t invite him. And right after that day, he hasn’t spoken to you, am I right?”

“You are,” he conceded.

“Toya chan, you and Kiyoomi chan have been friend since third grade. That’s like almost 10 years. And ever since you found out he was always alone on that big house, you made sure to be always with him on every break and holiday. Weekends and afternoon weekdays. He even spent Christmas in our house. And you always had sleepovers. He doesn’t like most people, sometimes I even doubt he likes me,” she said closing his eyes a little bit in concern, “and yet, you are always together. I’m pretty sure he likes you a lot, or at least he really enjoys being by your side, he doesn’t try to scare you away. Doesn’t that tell you something? He probably is upset he cannot spend summer break with you, you silly thing!” she said, making everything sound too obvious; Motoya felt a little bit ashamed he didn’t notice.

“He is upset…?” Motoya could feel the heat raising on his ears. Light red on the tip of them.

“Probably. I’m not saying his attitude is correct. And anyways, sooner or later both of you will follow your own paths and walk different roads. But right now, this is what it is,” she said all confident. 

_Our own paths, huh?_ For some reason these words made Montoya’s stomach hurt. He didn’t want to be away from Kiyoomi, but yeah… more sooner than later, the day will finally come when they would be apart. It was something he had to meditate more deeply, but not yet. Not like this. He would think about it later.

“Then he should say it, don’t you think?” he questioned, arching an eyebrow. “I miss you; I wish I was there with you, or something like that. It’s not easy to read him, you know? Especially with that mask covering half of his face all the time.”

“Mmm I don’t think he knows it… I mean, this must be a whole new emotion for him to handle properly,” she answered, thinking about it. “And oh, come on, Toya! Of course, you read him, all the time, with mask or without it. You are just as good as me as reading people. Especially your best friend, but… I get it. It’s not easy… And it can get especially hard considering… well, it doesn’t matter. Now you know! Don’t be sad about it. He will find out soon, and then again, he will make it safe back to your arms,” and with all these weird words said, she laughed happily, patting him on the back. Walking to the shore of the beach one last time before returning home. 

*

Kiyoomi surely felt like shit. He was exhausted. It’s not that he had forgotten, he had it on mind all this time, and maybe that’s why he kept feeling upset. The first time in 10 years… he wasn’t prepared for this. He always had it on mind, though. Because he knew you cannot simply keep love in a cage. Happiness is not a thing you just locked forever inside. 

He really was something. He arrived home the afternoon on that day. Sweaty and dirty. The curls of his hair were sticked on his forehead. He took a shower right away. Following his cleaning routine with special care. Making sure every part of his body got completely washed. When he was done with shower, he dried his hair, some of his curly hair getting all fluffy in the process. 

He went to his room and lied on his bed. Just for a moment he needed to close his eyes. He needed to clear his mind from everything. He lied on his left side, eyes towards the nightstand next to his bed. And he closed his eyes and stop thinking for once…

_A small shadow stands in two feet. Too afraid of the world. Too afraid to be touched. A shadow that felt empty inside, knowing nothing but the loneliness of a house. And a vast world with nothing to offer. What is it to be loved? He asked once, but no answer came to his mind.  
The small shadow wants to know, decides to try. It patiently waits on a cold couch. And nobody arrives. A void suddenly growing. Small black eyes suddenly minding no more. It will live and do, because it is alive. No motivation inside. And nobody notices, does anybody even care? People too busy to see, to understand. Too busy to properly love. Maybe scared too. _

_A tiny spark comes one day. Bright and shiny. Sharing his light._

_And the shadow was never a shadow, but a small kid covered in one. And he follows the spark. And stands in two feet with a lot of pride. Like a sunflower pointing to the sky, to the sunlight. And he lives, and he does, with a reason and a little bit more. In his small tiny way, he finally shines for himself._

What a weird dream, Kiyoomi thinks, still dizzy, without opening his eyes. A soft and delicate touch pulling back some strings of hair from his forehead. It feels familiar and warm.

He opened his eyes lazily, adjusting to the darkness around. There’s only a dim light coming from the lamp on the nightstand. And a pair of funny eyebrows greet him. And a wide smile and fond eyes. Maybe he’s still dreaming, and this is a nice dream. But he soon listens to a voice that whispers.

“Saku kun?” 

He had missed this voice. And this sight. His heart beating faster realizing this is not a dream.

“Komori…” he whispers too.

“Sorry. Did I wake you up?” Komori asks in a small voice. He is kneeling next to the bed. Left elbow leaning against it as his left cheek leans against his left fist. His head is resting like that, allowing him to see directly at Sakusa’s face. His right hand lifted, lazing its fingers into Sakusa’s hair.

“Mmm no, I think no,” Sakusa answers quietly, and raised his right hand too, reaching for Komori’s. He takes his hand fondly, and carefully guides it towards his chest. To a spot where he could feel Sakusa’s heart racing. And Komori looks at him, eyes glowing in a different way. His body stays and in silence.

But soon the silence is broken by Sakusa's voice. “I was dreaming…” 

Now Komori’s eyebrows rise in a cute way. He does this every time he is curious about something. Like a puppy. Sakusa likes dogs, they are cute, and they always remind him of certain someone in front of him.

“What was it about?” he asked. Moving his head away from his fist. Leaning closer to Sakusa’s face in order to listen. 

“About a bright spark too beautiful for this world… I mean you. And me. Us.” He said grabbing Komori’s hand even tighter. 

*

_Us._

Motoya’s face goes all read. The heat growing quickly all over his body. His fingers tense under Kiyoomi’s grip. How can he say something like that so shamelessly? Is this guy really Sakusa Kiyoomi? Oh, it is. Motoya knows better. After a nap, when Kiyoomi is still sleepy, he always talks directly to the point. More than usual. No shame in any word he dares to speak. A side effect from his drowsy state.

“Saku-kun… I,” but his words are cut by Kiyoomi.

“And a tiny shadow that immediately falls for the spark, that amused by his light, wishes to shine as well. Like a sunflower.” Now Kiyoomi is looking at him directly into the eyes. Motoya is sure that his face color is a bright red by know. It’s not the touch. It’s not Kiyoomi’s fingers firming lazing his. They are used to it. They are used to the physical affection ever since they were kids. When they had sleepovers and held hands the whole night. Or the hugs Motoya gave Sakusa all the time. Those things, for some reason remain until now. And they never question it. It just happens. It just feels natural when they are alone. 

It’s not about the touch, but the words. The words they never say because so far until now, they were never needed.

And listening to Kiyoomi say them aloud is lots more than he was expecting. But he is not getting frozen now. He, as well, will speak the things that are in his mind. 

“I bet it does. The tiny shadow. Right now, it must be the brightest thing around”, and he manages to give Kiyoomi a wide grin, cheeks still a shade of pink, though. 

And Kiyoomi stands a little bit. Saddy puppy eyes forming on his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“What for?” Motoya asks.

“Being an asshole…” Kiyoomi answers honestly. “I missed you.”

And he looks cute with his messy curly hair covering his forehead. His lips a light pink. Pale cheeks now turning a crimson red, and lots of love escaping through his dark eyes. And fuck it. The words must wait a few minutes because Motoya can’t help it anymore. 

He leans down and gives Kiyoomi all his love and words in a warm kiss. It’s a soft one. Lips pressing against the other ones faintly and purely. Just a few seconds, then Komori breaks apart.

“I know. I shouldn’t have been gone for so long” it’s all he can say to Kiyoomi.

_Whatever, I’m yours and that’s it. Forever._

*

Motoya presses his pretty lips against his. And it’s everything he could expect, but more. It only lasts a few seconds, but it’s enough for him to understand, and to make his face burn. 

“I know. I shouldn’t have been gone for so long,” Motoya says. And his blue eyes turned a little sad. 

Most times, Motoya is easy to read, like an open book. Kiyoomi notices whenever he flies and, also, when he comes down.

“It’s okay. You can go everywhere. Whenever you want… “

_You see, I’m all yours, Motoya. Forever._

“So, you are not avoiding me anymore? We are okay?” 

“I’m not. And yes, we are.”

“That’s great,” a grin is painted on his face. “Oh but… thinking about it, you cannot be forgiven yet, Kiyoomi. You haven’t even said Happy Birthday to me!!” and now Motoya is teasing him. However, it’s true he hasn’t. “Come on! Get out of bed, gloomy boy. Let’s go eat some cake at my house, at least you can do this for me, right?” he exclaimed pulling him up, out of his bed. 

Kiyoomi stands easily. He is taller than Motoya for a few inches. And he embraces him on a hug, burying his face into his hair. He has missed him so much. He knows it now. And Motoya knows too. They’ll talk about it soon. But not today. Today they will let themselves feel whatever they need to feel. Covered in Kiyoomi’s long and shaped arms, Komori cuddles happily against Kiyoomi’s neck and chest. 

“Happy Birthday, Mr. Happiness.”

“Huh? What with that ugly nickname, Kiyoomi?”

“You said Gloomy Boy first, we’re even.”

“I’m the Birthday Boy, I’m kind of allowed to throw ugly nicknames to you. Especially if you didn’t give me any present.”

“Oh, but I… I did buy you a present.”

“You did?” 

“I did. It’s in the closet.”

They break away and Motoya starts walking towards the closet super excited. Kiyoomi can’t help it but smile. And he realizes it’s not enough.  
“Motoya, wait.” he suddenly says and Motoya stops turning around to face him. 

And this time is Kiyoomi the one who leans forward and reaches. A kiss that is meant to last forever. Kiyoomi’s long fingers cupping Motoya’s face in a comfy way. And he kisses him mildly and slowly, savoring Motoya’s lip. Lips moving in perfect harmony, like if they were just meant to be. Motoya’s hands move and pose on Kiyoomi’s hips. Gripping firmly. And the kiss lasts until they have sucked each other’s breath, separating only to take some air. 

Their chests go up and down demanding fresh air. Their cheeks brushed in shades of red. Eyes on each other. Losing themselves into a world that has always belonged to them. 

“Welcome back, Motoya.” He says.


End file.
